This is historic.
By Brandy C. Newbold, Cthulhu for America, East Coast Communications Director
This election is not just historic because it was intentionally designed to be so horrible, but that it showed the spirit of American Independence is strong among publications who care about the Republic and their journalistic integrity. The newspapers, magazines, and publications from across the country endorsing Cthulhu for president is a listing of the last bastion of the true fourth estate.
While Hillary predictably got unanimous consent from the six media corporations that own 90% of the market, Cthulhu took 8% of the remaining media space. This is an incredible feat for a third party candidate that shows not just Cthulhu’s strength as a candidate, but that independent principled journalism is still alive in America.
This list includes some papers that, for decades, have refused to endorse extra-dimensional presidential candidates—and a few that have never endorsed a presidential candidate.
Kingsport Star Herald: Broke a 273-year endorsing ban.
Arkham Advertiser: Broke a 184-year tradition of endorsing only “good guys.”
The Pacific: First-time ever endorsing a presidential candidate.
Vague: First-time ever endorsing a Great Old One.
The New Los Angelean: First-time ever endorsing a Great Old One.
Vulgarity: First-time ever endorsing a presidential candidate.
The Voodoo Economist: First-time ever endorsing a Great Old One.
Read more about why so many newspapers have bucked with tradition to support Cthulhu:
For 273 years, The Kingsport Star Herald has never made a political endorsement. Now, they’re following the trend of history.
“Since The Kingsport Star Herald began publication in 1743, we have never endorsed a candidate for president. Never. This reflects a deep philosophical appreciation for our readers’ independent thought and a founding colonial distaste for eminence grise.”
The Editors of The Kingsport Star Herald added, “That is why we look toward a candidate outside of the deep state. The one candidate that will not play the same old game, yet win it just the same. Cthulhu has waited long enough to rise from the deep. It is time for us to summon him to show that it is not the lesser evil that is the answer, but the greater.”
In the 47-year history of The Pacific, the editors have never endorsed a candidate. But this is no ordinary year.
“The violent suppression of dissent and the installation of the weak Hubert Humphrey by the political machines over Eugene McCarthy was as a harbinger of the capture of the political process from the citizenry. It was this realization that New Deal economics, civil rights equality and peace activism was persona non grata in the American political process — except in only the most superficial of forms — that our founders have steadfastly refused to endorse in any political race (save for the 1983 race for dog catcher in San Luvine, CA).”
The editors of The Pacific added, “Our endorsement of Cthulhu is a surrender to the powers that be. The American people cannot be “woke” fast enough to counter this gambit. Though we surrender, we hope to ensure their victory will be pyrrhic – everyone goes down into the watery gravestone of R’lyeh at the hands of a demon overlord.”
The Arkham Advertiser broke a 184-year tradition to endorse a Dark Lord and urged voters to elect Cthulhu.
“Our recommendation was not an easy decision. This newspaper and leaders of our township have stood against the dark forces threatening to break into our world since before the Civil War… We have long held the light against the encroaching darkness only to see that darkness grow within our very institutions.”
The editors of the Arkham Advertiser added, “It is ever-patient Cthulhu, long holding an outstretched tentacle to humanity that will deliver us to the next stage of existence. For all the denial and resistance we have offered him and his kind, he is still waiting for mankind to cry out his name to preserve our nation, to protect American ideals and to remember us when we have been devoured and absorbed into the greater cosmos.”
The New Los Angelean has not endorsed a Great Old One for president in its entire history—until Cthulhu.
“On November 8th, the people of the United States will, after two hundred and forty years, terminate itself. The election of Cthulhu is an event that we will welcome for its immense existential importance, and greet with indescribable relief. It will be especially gratifying to have a verifiable god as commander-in-chief after such a sickeningly corrupt and propagandized campaign, one that exposed so starkly how far our society has devolved.”
The editors of the New Los Angelean added, “Cthulhu is not an eloquent orator, but his psychically shared visions are mind-rending. His task as President will be to shatter our human perceptions of reality and to reveal truth in naked form. He will reach to all dark corners of the earth to the alienated and angered, the posh and comfortable and import to them visions of their negligible place in the cosmos. The raw conveyance of existential indifference will shatter the realities desperately clung to by billions.”
Vulgarity made its first-ever presidential endorsement.
Vulgarity is known for covering the entertainment industry shaping our culture, and through twenty-two election cycles, the outlet has never endorsed a would-be future president. This election changed that.
“The time has come to elect our last president. Americans, young and old, are ready to have someone in the highest office who will view them equally as prey, champion their rapid demise, and serve as a role model for this and future generations as the ultimate apex predator.”
The Voodoo Economist, the world leader in economic prognostication, almost always backs Republicans—but not this election.
Realizing this election is continued to make our problems worse, not better, The Voodoo Economist simply wants to end it all. We’re ready to oblige. “One of the great aspects of Cthulhu to admire is the absolute simplicity of his policies. There is no question his domestic policies will be popular. The sweet release of death, the promise of equal dispensation of oblivion, is what America has been crying for since the party conventions this summer.”
