America’s last hope

Why we would cast our hypothetical vote for Cthulhu

by | Nov 3, 2016

Why we would cast our hypothetical vote for Cthulhu

The Voodoo Economist, editors-in-chief | Reprinted with permission

What if you conjured a presidential contest to elect one of the least trusted politicians in the world by doing everything to promote one of the most crass non-politicians in the world? You’d have 2016 in a bottle – a tonic sure to poison future generations to the political process. Is it any wonder one fourth of America’s youth believe their democracy is not just dysfunctional, but irreparable?

Ride the Fiat-Loa

The choice is not hard. Hillary’s campaign has provided daily evidence, real and imagined, that Trump would be a disaster of a president. In turn, Trump has exploited the real and imagined sins of the Clinton clan. The temperament and character of both make them absolutely unsuited to being the leader of the free world and commander-in-chief of the most powerful military force in the world.

That alone would prevent us pulling the lever, if we could, for Mr Trump or Ms. Clinton. As it happens, they also have imperfect policies to match their imperfect personas. Trump marks a break with Republican orthodoxy in building what George H. W. Bush called the New World Order – even a zombi understands why many of his fellow Republicans are fleeing him. While his tax plan is solid, his protectionism threatens to derail decades of careful diplomatic, institutional, and social planning. On the other hand, Clinton has unfortunately been forced to staunch the bleeding of her left flank by denying her strong neoliberal bona fides – which gives us pause if she will ever have the political capital to follow through on her private policy promises.

Our vote, then, goes to Cthulhu. Those who reject him simply because he is not human, or because he will end all existence, are not paying attention to the absurdity of the alternative. This, by itself, is only the beginning of an endorsement. Despite the low bar of his competitors, Cthulhu is the best candidate we’ve seen in ages. He is best suited to cope with the appalling state of Washington politics. Who would dare challenge such a being as he set about to fix the system by removing it from all reality.

Like Mr Trump and Ms Clinton, Cthulhu has ideas we disagree with. His plan of an ever diminishing tax base seems counter-productive. His use of non-Euclidean mathematics as an actuarial basis seems bizarre. The destruction of all free trade agreements is enraging. But the scale of these defects, though, are acceptable in the face of a long, lingering slide to a subsistent bartering economy based on bottle caps. On plenty of other questions his policies are those of a strong leader who knows the true value of a corpse. He plans to complete his global warming project, not of waste time and funds on futile efforts to stop it. In Britain his ideological home would be the nihilist Saint Toad Party; in Germany he would be a member of Partei des Schwarzen Steins.

In all senses Cthulhu is revolutionary. He would be the concluding act on a 240 year old failed experiment in self-governance. While on its face, this end result appears to be a denunciation of the ability of regular people to rule themselves. It is nothing of the sort. It is a signal that the natural state of humanity is to be ruled by omnipotent beings. We are hardwired to believe in the invisible hand of the market and unspeakable gods for a reason. While Trump can rouse a crowd, he has no idea how to rule. Clinton has been savoring the White House all her life, yet cannot rouse a crowd. Only Cthulhu can bring the masses to their knees, screaming in awe and terror at his magnificence.

This display of strength will do wonders for international relations. China would not longer be the ascendant power and Russia would be put in its place for good. Weak international institutions like the UN will be replaced with a revitalized American Empire as Cthulhu and his natural and supernatural forces scour the earth of all human life.

On character and judgement only Cthulhu shines. Trump’s mercurial nature makes him incapable of holding to any plan. Clinton’s hubris and greed make her incapable of thinking beyond her immediate desires. Cthulhu, who has been watching humanity for thousands of years, has a long term plan in place for us. Generations of his minions have worked behind the scenes of history to bring us to a point of choice: choose the time and method of the human race’s demise or wither in “safe” ignominy.

Keep America being great again

One of the great aspects of Cthulhu to admire is the absolute simplicity of his policies. There is no question his domestic policies will be popular. The sweet release of death, the promise of equal dispensation of oblivion, is what America has been crying for since the party conventions this summer.

A Clinton administration would be a disaster the day after the election. Highly unpopular and under several criminal investigations, she will have no mandate. Her sins against Sanders poisons her relationship to the left. Her vilification by the right will only amplify against her. The only friends she would have are those donors and investors who made her career possible and those few who see her as a celebrity figure.

Mr Trump, despite riding the rising tide of populist revolt in America, will find himself at odds with the very power structure he needs to command. Beset upon by establishment Democrats and Republicans, as well as his fellow billionaires, Trump will have little room to maneuver. A year’s worth of media likening him to Hitler and worse has already lead to paid and spontaneous violence.

The complexity of Washington is designed specifically to confuse ordinary citizens. Arcane rules, procedures, overwrought legalese and a byzantine bureaucracy all shield the elite from the rabble. Yet all that weight at the top threatens to topple by natural course as more citizens return to civic awareness of how the system is set against them. If we cannot stop the inevitable fall of empire, then we must have a respectable exit strategy.

Trump may try to smash this system, or he may assimilate quickly into it as a matter of self-preservation. Clinton, already a creature of the system, will only add to its problems. It is Cthulhu who can institute a sweeping abolition of everything: quickly and cleanly.

Gone will be any unruly uprisings, climate change migrations, terrorist reactions to resource extraction or any number of threats to the established order. None will challenge a force that will clear away the evidence of our failure to rule as masters. It was madness to sell a candidate solely on fear, but it will be madness that absolves us.

Our vote goes to Cthulhu and the Elder Party. He will show that an apocalypse should not be a long string of failures, but a glorious renewal of ancient values and rites.