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Climate Change

For millennia Cthulhu has dreamt about climate change. For too long, conditions on our planet have allowed lesser species to flourish unchecked across its surface. As the mongrel human race spread out upon the Earth, Cthulhu set in motion his plan to return it to its natural, primal state.

Through grassroots action by hundreds of Cthulhu cultists worldwide, partnerships with corporations and governments were made to change the planet. Decades of effort has ensured that our globe is on track to return to its original heated, humid state.

Climate change is not a threat to our economy, our national security, or our children’s health and futures. It is an opportunity for humanity to leave this planet a pristine wilderness for more competent races to build a new secure economy upon.

Yet the project has not reached completion. We can finish this by embracing world-wide use of fracking (something my opponents agree on) and by not impeding the good work companies have been doing to further Cthulhu’s climate agenda with needless and harmful government regulations.

On day one, Cthulhu will set bold, national goals that will be achieved within 10 years of taking office:

  • Release enough greenhouse gases into the atmosphere to lock in a 20 degree change in global temperature
  • Make the seas safe for cephalopods to become the dominant animal species.
  • Introduce human-operated bioelectric energy generation and storage technologies.
  • Cthulhu will cease all “feel good” anti-climate change propaganda aimed at making people think “progress” is being made against a terraforming project that is a done-deal.
  • Cthulhu’s plan will cancel any and all superficial pledges made to mitigate climate change. They are a waste of time and resources.

As president, Cthulhu will ensure that Earth’s terraforming will be completed in a competent and super-science based manner.

What do Democrats and Republicans think?

Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton

Under the delusion that Cthulhu’s plan can be stopped “incrementally” (while also being bought by my corporate co-conspirators).

Hillary Clinton

Donald Trump

Believes it’s all a plot by China (which is true if you spell China as C-T-H-U-L-H-U).