KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – September 30, 2016
WASHINGTON, DC — The Cthulhu and Clinton campaigns sparred again on Friday with competing national programs aimed at keeping a restless population occupied. Both campaigns are now heavily targeting millennial voters who are soured on the two-party system.
According to the Clinton campaign the idea for the “National Service Reserve” sprung from an article someone once read in Time stating that millennials love to volunteer. They also believe it is the perfect way for millennials, who think they have been abandoned by the current system, to buy into that system and serve their future Madame President.
“The Reserve will provide a vehicle for the sense of civic ownership and responsibility that Clinton has felt throughout her life, bringing Americans from all backgrounds together in common cause to make a difference where they live,” the campaign said.
Clinton aims to recruit five million 18 to 30-year-olds to perform duties usually reserved for local, state and federal employees. In return, reservists will be eligible for a vague amount of college credit, time off from work, or a means-tested “modest stipend.”
The Cthulhu campaign mocked Clinton’s plan as the typical “quarter-measure of a campaign flailing in the polls” that “still hasn’t figured out how to pander to millennials.”
Cthulhu in turn announced a new plan called “Human Culling Auxiliary” where ten million random Americans would be tasked with ensuring every human is guided into Cthulhu’s maw.
“It’s really a logistical outgrowth of our existing policy to wipe out humanity, “ said campaign manager Eminence Waite. “With most of the cult being eaten first, we need a corps of the damned to herd their fellow humans to their doom. And of course to their own.”
While not a specific pander to the lost generation, the campaign feels millennials will respect the equal selection process and the transparency of the program.
Members of the HCA will not be eligible for token rewards as in the Clinton plan, but the Cthulhu campaign is confident that “humanity will appreciate the ability to serve in their own demise.”
