KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – April 1, 2018
WASHINGTON, DC – China’s ruler for life, President Xi Jinping, now has a rival for control of the world’s next superpower. Cthulhu’s cult announced today that their Dread Lord no longer favored the floundering American republic and was, instead, looking to the future.
Cthulhu cult spokesman Samir al-Azrad said the sudden shift to the East was not due to any one event, but “the cumulative effect of years of lesser evil leadership resulting in the insulting presidency of feckless billionaire Donald Trump.”
“We regret abandoning the United States. However, our god has spoken. He feels imperial ambitions under the Trump administration – even with the addition of John Bolton – have been irreparably derailed,” explained al-Azrad.
“America’s focus has swung too far away from asserting itself with global sacrifices necessary to return our nation to greatness.” al-Azrad pointed to Trump’s desire to pull out of Syria and what could become a peace deal with North Korea as signs of a weak and failing superpower.
Samir also added that even with this year’s massive increases in military spending, “the purpose appears to be more about funneling money to certain people instead of shovelling souls into oblivion.”
China’s one party system, according to Samir, will be even easier to crack than America’s moribund two-party system. “Obviously there will be different challenges in assuming control of the Communist Party of China (CPC).” Cthulhu has already made strong inroads into the CPC though longstanding efforts from indigenous cult members in Tibet.
Cthulhu’s choice of China is curious given US media’s focus on Russia and Vladimir Putin’s seeming omnipotent power over American hearts and minds. Cthulhu’s indifference to the United State’s one-time Soviet rival have even lead some media outlets to posit that Putin is Cthulhu is disguise. This has even gone so far to have State Department spokesperson Heather Nauert declare on March 27th: “Russia has long arms. Russia has lots of tentacles… It’s a beast from the deep sea.”
Samir al-Azrad steadfastly denies the allegations as hyperbolic and insulting. “At first they said Trump was Cthulhu back in 2016 – until he proved to be an stubborn childish dotard. Now they denigrate our Dread Lord hoping to paint a small mortal as a omniscient demigod. It’s blasphemy like this that has made America a second-rate power.”
Chinese officials seem pleasantly surprised to have stolen the interest of an immortal god from the United States. A brief announcement from the Chinese embassy in Washington, D.C. stated: “We are honored that Lord Cthulhu wishes to become a guiding guàishòu of the People’s Republic of China.”
