The following is a transcript of Cthulhu’s speech announcing his candidacy for President of the United States of America given on August 23, 2015 at Miskatonic State University in Arkham, Massachusetts.
Be still, humans.
Miskatonic State University, a place of power and learning. This is a place that welcomes everyone with a yearning in their hearts to plumb the eldritch secrets of the universe – a place where knowledge leads to achievement and striving beyond all mortal bounds leads to madness. It is the perfect place to be in the campaign that begins today.
I do not run for the presidency merely to oppose an ideology or political party but to propose new vision. I wish to make good, not on a prophecy, but a promise that I will bring to you new ways of living and new ways of thinking.
I run because I am convinced that this country and this world is being mismanaged on a ridiculous scale. I feel obliged to do all I can to correct the grievous terrestrial errors being inflicted upon you.
The stakes for America’s future are about as great as they come. Your very existence is in the balance. You are beset by enemies without, traitors within and marauders beyond the 16th Veil of P’kartha. Your way of life is under threat, in this nation where you are led to believe that all human life matters and everyone has the right to pierce the veils of reality with their little monkey minds.
Your first problem is that human civilization is trapped in a slow, unimaginative death spiral. Trapped between two parties more similar than not; who act as young podlings: immature and gobbling up their nestmates.
What this has done is break a fundamental promise inherent in this nation. That effort brings reward. That reanimating ancestral salts is not a crime. That you have freedom to pursue sacrilegious rites under a dark moon undisturbed.
Yet instead of a land built by every American, for every American, both parties tell you that if we bail out banks, let mortal men bend the rules to their favor though brazen bribery; their success would ooze down upon everyone else.
America is tired of corruption and weakness in the White House — and all other parts of government. You crave strong, dominant authority and that is why I am proud to announce my independent candidacy for President of the United States of America.
Together, we will take command of the future once again.
We will take Washington – the corrupt, crony-filled capital of this otherwise energetically pulsating country – out of the business of sapping our great strength.
Leaders have to think big. Laws and tax codes are filled with small thinking and self-interested politics. What swarms of corporate lobbyists have done, we can undo with a vastly simpler system – reducing K Street to rubble, burning Wall Street to the ground, devouring the promoters of special favors for the few and their co-conspirators and letting true liberty and freedom reign.
I’m not running for some Americans, but for all Americans.
The American Dream is “fhtagn.” That is to say it is not dead, but lies in wait. The Dream itself dreams of the time it will awaken – when the true leader of the world strides again.
I am that leader and the American Dream heeds my Call.
Make no mistake, the way to the New Golden Age is fraught with powerful forces that will do and spend whatever it takes to stop our vision for America.
But when I am elected president, I, Cthulhu, will bring America back bigger, better and stronger than ever. We will make America stride across the globe; proud and unashamed.
It begins here.
And I’m asking for your vote.
I bless you. And I bless America.
