Cthulhu Issues Statement on the Trans Pacific Partnership

The Trans Pacific Partnership is not evil enough.

by | Oct 5, 2015


With news that the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) this morning, Cthulhu for America held a press conference at campaign headquarters in Kingsport, Massachusetts to denounce it.

The following is a transcript of the speech given by the Great Cthulhu:

Obamatrade is not evil enough. It’s half-baked. Quasi-evil. Pseudo-evil. My objection to this agreement is threefold.


First, while this agreement allows slavery to continue, it does not seek to spread the practice throughout the world. It is the heritage of humanity to dominate those who are weak. Embrace your strength, America.

Secondly, it grants too much power to incompetent corporations — Companies who are run by men whose mental processes have never left the frat house. While individually they can be quite crafty, this agreement was written by a few hundred squabbling “bros” — it diluted what could have been grand into something that doesn’t quite render nation-states obsolete. Needless to say, Day One in office, this shall be rectified.

And thirdly, R’lyeh was not part of the proceedings and never invited to participate. This partisan snub by Obama and Hillary Clinton is clearly an attempt to give the appearance that R’lyeh is uninterested in joining with America in the madness and bloodshed that is to come. Nothing could be further from the truth and their petty amateur hour show has been noted.

The TPP amounts to Obama’s retirement plan. There is no doubt he will be well rewarded for his work. He sold you out — not out of malice, not out of indifference, but of greed. Be assured that if I were to sell humanity out, it will be because you earned it.

To those who point out that I have taken millions of corporate cash into my SuperPAC, Rite to Arise – how can I oppose corporate desires? Unlike other candidates in this race, I do not sell my services. They present offerings to me because they want to — and because they don’t want certain information disclosed. But to bring that question down to real terms for voters, do humans want to be ruled by imaginary legal constructs? I know you don’t. You are much more comfortable being led by imaginary deities. Even moreso by a real one such as myself.

I would like to close with how I would nullify this free trade agreement. As I have stated before, it is America’s destiny to dominate this globe. It is America’s destiny to spread across this rocky sphere with drones and shoggoths in conquest. Why do we need a trade agreement when there will no longer be any nation on this planet save the Great USA!

Cthulhu on TPP: "Not evil enough"

The Great Cthulhu then was open to questions from the press.

Q (MSNBC): What are your objections, if any, to the environmental provisions Obama says are present in the document?

CTHULHU: Those are nothing more than phantoms. I am very confident that terraforming efforts will continue to make this planet more habitable for myself and my kind.

Q (FOX): You charged Obama with corruption in making this agreement. Do you have evidence that he is engaged in payola?

CTHULHU: Great question. I think the American people know very well what is going on in government. That thirst for something other than the status quo is what is fueling my campaign. People are tired of small time hucksters and greedy pencil-necks walking the halls of government as if they knew what they were doing. It’s time for a strong, competently evil ruler.

Q (WSJ): Should corporations be concerned that you will seek to nationalize them?

CTHULHU: Corporations have their place in this world. In fact I’ve worked with them closely to ensure the planet’s climate continues to change. But like today’s government these companies are not being run with an eye to a glorious future. This must and will change.

Thank you all.

I bless you. And I bless America.


Image used under CC license. Photo by geishaboy500