By Brandy C. Newbold, Cthulhu for America, East Coast Communications Director
As early voting begins and election day nears it’s important that cultists nationwide understand our path to victory.
Is Cthulhu eligible for the presidency?
Absolutely.
Must be 35 years of ago. (Cthulhu is much, much older than that!)
Resident of the United States for 14 years (Cthulhu has had a continual presence in North America for thousands of years)
Must be a “natural-born citizen” or, in Cthulhu’s case, exempt by being present before the adoption of the Constitution.
Cthulhu isn’t on any polling! How do we know how he’s doing?
Aside from a few independent institutions, like Miskatonic State University, most polling outfits are propagandizing this election to purposefully exclude Cthulhu from His due recognition and keep public perception focused on the lesser candidates. They also disrespect the process by polling for an asteroid that isn’t going to come and a dead gorilla.
Cthulhu isn’t printed on the ballot how can I vote for Him?
Not only is there a strong institutional bias against third party candidates, there is also pro-human bigotry embedded in election law. Most states will not recognize a supernatural entity on paper — but they will when it’s sucking marrow from their bones.
This is not a problem! Why? Because, like Hillary Clinton, the rules don’t apply to Cthulhu.
Wait. Do you mean we’re not electing Cthulhu!?
Yes you are. Let me explain:
The minutiae of electoral mechanics don’t apply to Cthulhu. Cthulhu “wins” with a popular vote of sorts. On the nation-wide Election Day ritual, when a critical mass of Americans willingly write-in Cthulhu, thus devoting themselves to Him, a threshold is crossed that cannot be called back. The gates of R’lyeh will open and Cthulhu will stride forth to claim his domain.
The Republicans and Democrats can rig each other all they want, but it’s the intent of the voters that counts here. Counting ballots, the electoral college… all of it won’t matter one bit when Cthulhu takes control. And believe me, seeing the smug look on Wolf Blitzer’s face disappear will be worth it.
So what can I do to make this happen?
It is important that you (and your friends, family, roommates, co-workers, coven, kin and fam) write C T H U L H U in for president.
Even on electronic machines?
We have installed the appropriate software (so easy to hack!) that will accept your offering just as a handwritten one.
Wait, what about states that forbid write-ins?
Hawaii, Nevada, South Dakota, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi, and South Carolina don’t like freedom when giving voters a choice. But don’t let that deter you. Remember, it’s the intent that counts.
Do I have to write my name in blood as is traditional?
While it is preferred, it’s unfortunately a good way to get your ballot declared a biohazard.
So for the next two weeks, don’t forget to get out the vote for Cthulhu and let’s end history!
