KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – SEPTEMBER 22, 2015
KINGSPORT, MASSACHUSETTS — Dagon surfaced off the coast of Massachusetts last week intent on joining Cthulhu’s quadrennial presidential efforts. Within hours he was escorted out of Cthulhu for America’s campaign headquarters by Kingsport SWAT.
According to police reports Dagon arrived in Kingsport at 11:35am on September 21, 2015. Dagon was intoxicated when he entered Cthulhu’s campaign office through the back alley wall. He then proceeded to sexually harass various campaign volunteers. Several cubicles were demolished in his search for “pfwai’than dungthkai Cthulhu.”
Cthulhu was campaigning in Colorado and not on site. Dagon was eventually subdued by CfA campaign manager Eminence Waite. Her quick incantations bound the raging entity until Kingsport SWAT arrived on the scene. Dagon is being held on $250,000 bail.
Kingsport Star Herald was granted a short interview with the incarcerated, but sobering up, Dagon. He claimed that Cthulhu had been ignoring him since their failed bid in the 2012 election. “CTHULHU NEEDS ME FOR BIBLE VOTE,” Dagon said. “I AM IN THEIR BIBLE!”
Dagon has been paired with Cthulhu for years on the Elder Party ticket for several decades. However it seems this year that Cthulhu has dispensed with party politics and is looking to shake up his ticket. Eminence Waite clarified, “Of course we are looking for a new vice presidential candidate. Dagon is trapped in the past and the electorate is looking for someone outside the establishment to usher in a new order.”
Is Cthulhu abandoning the Southern Evangelical vote? “Just because Dagon has a mention in the Christian Bible does not make him an evangelical celebrity,” Waite said. “It is a demographic that we do find difficult to penetrate, but, truthfully, they barely read their own religious text. How would someone in an obscure passage appeal to them? Cthulhu for America, and certainly Cthulhu – who is a deity in his own right – is accepting of all under his sheltering squamous wings.”
Cthulhu is certainly heading into uncharted waters this election. Given the unexpected rise of Trump and Sanders against both ends of the political establishment, it may be a gamble that pays off.
