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Cthulhu on the Economy

The drive to exchange one commodity for another is as old as the universe. Even primitive humanity unveiled the way toward greater power by sacrificing their kin to barter with superior beings.

Humanity learned well from the elder gods that the path to power is to consume the weak. Through war, slavery and conquest they sought to ascend to godhood.

But as the human population burgeoned, those in power balked at the obvious choices. They chose to hide from those they preyed upon. They no longer openly conquer, enslave and feast upon the spoils. They became soft and weak.

You can call them NAFTA, CAFTA, TPP, TPIP or any other meaningless acronym, but they are, to a one, cowardly attempts to reap reward through deception.

Cthulhu has no use for obfuscating his agenda behind a 5,544 page document of loopholes, legal traps and nonsense. He demands sacrifice, enslavement and destruction as is his right as a god – no small print necessary.

In conjunction with His policy on Global Manifest Destiny, all existing trade policies will be rendered void when all current trade partners are absorbed into the federal union.

“Americans are rightfully agitated by the keepers of money on Wall Street. The humans who own those institutions believe themselves to be ‘Masters of the Universe.’ A title they have not, and could never earn. Do they know the Eight Blasphemous Secrets of Y’taub? Have they tasted the last trickle of a child’s heartblood? No. They are fakes. And they insult the greatness of Cthulhu with their preening. I will not pretend to hold them to account. They shall be among those eaten last.”


June 14, 2016

Cthulhu understands how humans covet their small pieces of colored paper and their desire to hoard them.

How will Cthulhu build a strong economy while transitioning to a human-less Earth?

Cthulhu’s plan will subjugate the unstable financial system

  • Reduce Wall Street to rubble. Hunting down those piteous humans who deem themselves gods is a priority for Cthulhu. He is a vengeful god.
  • Render all trade agreements void. As stated by Cthulhu’s National Security policy, the entire world belongs to America and Cthulhu. As America’s borders will encompass the globe, faulty, lopsided trade agreements will not be necessary.
  • Stop illegal immigration. Another consequence of conquering the world is the elimination of illegal entry into the United States. All borders will be ours; all humans will be Americans… and then they shall be eaten.
  • Replace America’s crumbling infrastructure with non-Euclidean architecture. Humanity will learn 1,001 uses for cyclopean basalt pillars.
  • Cthulhu will create 125.5 million full-time job vacancies. Job opportunities will rise as more humans are consumed, fueling a job market where the value of labor will skyrocket.
  • Will set a tax rate of ZERO PERCENT of income on all humans consumed.
  • Dispose of the inefficient boondoggle of Obamacare. We will replace it with 5-Star Death Panels to ensure that neither government or corporate bureaucrats get between you and your mortician.


What do Democrats and Republicans think?

Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton

makes outrageous promises to curb the very system that engorges her campaign and her network of shell companies and “charity initiatives.”

Hillary Clinton

Donald Trump

promises to curb the system he directly benefits from with the same old deregulation and tax break song and dance.