Education

Cthulhu will make free college available to everyone and eliminate student loan debt.

Cthulhu has a comprehensive plan to put higher education within reach for all Americans, and take on the crisis of student debt.

Here’s what every student and family should expect under Cthulhu’s plan:

• Every student should have the option to graduate as a high cultist, witch or wizard in their state without taking on any student debt. While this will not make students exempt from being eaten with the rest of humanity, it will make them useful in depopulation efforts.
• Student debt will be cancelled in two ways. First, banks will be in no shape to call in debts after Cthulhu is finished punishing their executives for hubris. Secondly, being eaten by Cthulhu automatically cancels all debt (and taxes).
• Replace “Common Core” with a comprehensive Cult studies program under control of individual states.
• Formerly forbidden tomes and grimoires will be required reading at all academic levels. No more will the Necronomicon and other books mislabeled as “blasphemous” be guarded under lock and key; but freely available, unabridged and unexpurgated to all.
• Implement an advanced studies program, in conjunction with the Vermont Mi-Go, to harvest the finest primate brains for experimentation

What do Democrats and Republicans think?