KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – January 21, 2016
DAVOS, SWITZERLAND — The tasteful debauchery of the first big networking conference for the world’s elite was muted after Cthulhu’s presidential campaign manager laid out a devastating ultimatum to world and corporate leaders.
Eminence Waite’s presentation, mockingly titled “Let’s Pretend To Do Something Real,” began by exploring the nature of fear.
“The amygdala is a fascinating part of the brain. It was designed as one of many controls to keep our race in check. Fear is a great part of our lives. Fear has led to great nations rising and falling. Fear has created great monuments and great events in history. It is fear which leads us into the future.”
However, Waite contends that fear has also lead the world into stagnation. Worldwide financial corruption and escalating methods of global control have only further cocooned humankind into a state of weakness and delusion. And yet, Waite adds, that’s not the worst that will happen.
According to the Pew research Center, public trust in the US government alone has fallen from a high of 80% during the Johnson administration to a low of 19% last year. The reason, Waite contents, is our entire system of governance, at all levels, is founded upon falsehoods with exponentially decreasing returns.
From Nixon’s denial that no one in his administration was involved in Watergate (they certainly were), to Obama’s declaration that “nobody is listening to your telephone calls” (the NSA certainly is), the population’s increasing distrust of government is leading to a spiral of instability and increasing maintenance costs.
“The main problem with state administration, and this has been true for various empire throughout history, is dealing with nonessential citizenry. The go-to population controls are often times too harsh or too obvious, leading to further instability.“ And, Waite continued, they were completely ineffective.
Cthulhu, however, is willing to provide corporate and national bodies a legitimate and acceptable way to dispose of the surplus population: human sacrifice. This time-tested method – as opposed to common failures like welfare, mandatory birth control, forced migration, or even the newest finger-in-the-dike called guaranteed basic income – was and will continue to be the most effective way to curb the surplus population. Initiatives have already started worldwide to reawaken, legalize, and normalize the practice.
The best part, she explained, is that Cthulhu has no ridiculous sacrificial requirements like the gods imagined by mankind. “Let us leave the virgins, firstborn, and slaves in the past where they belong and look toward a future where anyone and everyone is an appropriate sacrifice.”
The next step, she declared, was to reinvigorate the population’s trust. It was long past time that people were informed that the time is approaching for Cthulhu to awaken. Thousands of individual cults dedicated to the Dreaming God have worked over tens of thousands of years to bring humanity to the brink of ultimate crisis through assassination, manipulation, investment, bribery, blackmail, and other actions you may have read about in top secret documents.
Many in the audience scoffed at the idea of a prehistoric religion now emerging from the shadows despite Waite’s stern warning that her god was real and that her cult was in regular contact with him. She reminded them that far from the stories of racist caricature and abominable mutation, her fellow cultists have insinuated themselves into all walks of life.
To drive her point home, Waite pointed out the foibles of several members of the audience: cases of embezzlement (Belgium), theft of national resources (Tanzania), serial murder (Japan), and necrophilia (Peru).
Waite concluded with a chilling warning: “Like any prey animal you have been paralyzed by fear and lured to your doom. You cannot profit from the coming apocalypse. There will be nowhere to hide, nowhere to go, nothing to spend your worthless treasure on. Join us in hastening the inevitable. As always, it is your choice.”
Reactions among the audience were mixed. Most took notes and exited the room in silence. A surprising vocal contingent were outright hostile to the idea that human civilization was nearing its end at the hand of a mythical beast.
Deep Dalani, president of an international outsourcing firm, believed it to be a complete farce. “I don’t understand how someone with such a brilliant resume would get herself involved with a ridiculous doomsday cult. And that talk of disposable people? Disgusting. No person should be treated in that manner.”
Stephan Schwarzman, CEO of top multinational private equity firm Blackstoke, however, had no insight to offer on the spreading global crisis. “I find the whole thing astonishing and what’s remarkable is the amount of anger whether it’s on the Republican side or the Democratic side… How is that happening, why is that happening?”
Some attendees, like Rodrigo Valda, finance minister of Chile, were receptive to Waite’s proposal: “Mi abuela – no, not Secretary Clinton – had told my brothers and I stories about the ‘Octopus People.’ She would scare us at bedtime. But now I think she was serious.”
Michael Higgins, global managing director for defense consultancy McRucken, didn’t mince words. He was disturbed that Waite chose this particular time to expose her cult’s global goals. “I don’t see what she got out of saying those things. Sure, that’s what we all talk about, but we don’t say them outside closed doors. Is all that stuff real? I have friends deep in the [Department of Defense]… Do you know how many satellite images are doctored? More than you’ll ever know.”
