Editorial board, The Kingsport Star Herald | Reprinted with permission
Since The Kingsport Star Herald began publication in 1743, we have never endorsed a candidate for president. Never. This reflects a deep philosophical appreciation for our readers’ independent thought and a founding colonial distaste for eminence grise.
This year is different.
The shortcomings of the 2016 Republican and Democratic candidates augur an America that is destined to wither to dust, irrelevance, and ignominy.
That’s why, for the first time in our history, The Kingsport Star Herald will support Cthulhu for president.
What Cthulhu has (and Trump/Hillary don’t)
The challenges the United States faces domestically and internationally demand strength of character, limitless force of will and the ability to create a comprehensive exit strategy for humanity.
Cthulhu understands this. The others do not.
Cthulhu has the strength and power to be president. The others do not.
Cthulhu knows how to demand obesience and to lead with frightening intelligence and multidimensional perspective. He has a record of public service as dominator, destroyer and conqueror.
His cults have withstood millennia of resistance, rebellion and discrimination that have destroyed most faiths. The vehemence of some of the anti-Cthulhu attacks strains credulity.
Clinton’s use of a private email server to conceal criminal activity is a clear sign to citizens that she is unfit to serve, as she will only serve herself.
Trump’s refusal to expose his tax returns to public scrutiny shows an unwillingness to display what could show his gold-gilded life to be a fraudulent charade.
Cthulhu’s downside
Make no mistake: Cthulhu is a final solution.
This is the time our founding fathers hoped to avoid. Benjamin Franklin declared they had created “a Republic, if you can keep it.” Our nation had barely begun when political parties began to poison the political process, causing George Washington to (prophetically) declare:
The disorders and miseries which result gradually incline the minds of men to seek security and repose in the absolute power of an individual; and sooner or later the chief of some prevailing faction, more able or more fortunate than his competitors, turns this disposition to the purposes of his own elevation, on the ruins of public liberty.
Two-hundred and twenty years later we have reached the nadir of our Republic with the nomination of two deplorable demagogues whose political parties, secure in their franchise dominance, seek power only for themselves.
Some may say that fostering the Green or Libertarian parties is the only solution. That may be so, until they, too, become comfortable in power.
What we need is a permanent solution. Cthulhu is the superior choice.
He will break our constitutional malaise with maturity, confidence and finality.
That cannot be said of his opponents.
Under pressure, Clinton lashes out with smugness, rage, or a mysterious “medical event.”
Trump’s response to critics is to unleash a torrent of verbal diarrhea.
Our nation has earned the right to have better than this. We deserve to end ourselves on our own terms.
When the president of the United States speaks, the world must quake. Not race to their computers to make the latest dank meme.
Whose apocalypse is better?
Cthulhu knows more than anyone the true issues, history and facts unmuddied by human emotion and bias.
To Cthulhu, fragile and slippery diplomacy is irrelevant. When he rises, it will be with singular purpose to end reality with precise execution.
The challenges of Russia, China, the Middle East, North Korea and elsewhere are moot considering his plan to end humanity in toto. Cthulhu will not just end our political system, but everyone else’s.
Contrast this to Clinton’s long history of backing sort-term gains for special interests which have caused long-term problems for America. And let’s not get started with Trump’s Archie Bunker-esque world view that paints the world in cartoon stereotypes.
Neither has a vision for the future beyond the immediacy of gaining political power. Only Cthulhu has a plan for the future – which is to disassemble the very fabric of our existence.
We need a president who is focused on solutions.
Cthulhu is beyond the needs of ego that blind his human opponents. This frees him to focus on devouring the over seven billion humans on this planet.
Clinton would be too busy selling favors to the investment class to bother with the needs of America.
Trump would be too busy gilding the White House and engraving his name on national treasures to care.
Cthulhu’s equality vs. political exploitation
Cthulhu’s entire suite of policies is centered on equality. Doom will come to all humans – irregardless of demographic pidgeon-holing favored by the other candidates. The end of his first term will see the Earth cleansed of our political foolishness.
Clinton’s devotion to equality is dependent on how politically advantageous it is for her career. Trump’s is dependent on his current mood and how much control he has over his loud mouth.
These are evidence of deep character flaws. They are part of a pattern America has seen every four years.
The mockery of the lesser evil
The realpolitik battlecry of “vote for the lesser of two evils” can be traced back to the 1300’s. Orthodox Christians in the Balkans chose to be conquered by the Ottomans (and become second-class citizens of that empire) than be forcibly converted by the Catholic Church (and lose their religion).
Our options are no more tasteful if we adhere to that losing strategy.
The Cold War “necessity” of placing compromised candidates on offer every four years has accelerated the process of our political devolution. One need only look at the approval and trustworthiness ratings of Hillary and Trump to see how inbred the political process has now become.
That is why we look toward a candidate outside of the deep state. The one candidate that will not play the same old game, yet win it just the same.
Cthulhu has waited long enough to rise from the deep. It is time for us to summon him to show that it is not the lesser evil that is the answer, but the greater.
The lost Fourth Estate
And finally, let us address our fellow newspaper editors and reporters.
Six corporations own 90 percent of the media in the United States.
The Kingsport Star Herald has been independently owned and operated since our founding. It is our very independence that allows us to make this endorsement – free from any CEO’s directive.
The lockstep that our industry compatriots march is another shameful harbinger of the dissolution of our once glorious union.
It is time to end it all on a high note.
The Kingsport Star Herald endorses Cthulhu for president.
