EXCLUSIVE: Cthulhu versus… Satan?

Four days to the election and the collective human hive is abuzz with the revelation of Clinton campaign's connection to satanic rituals. Does this hurt Cthulhu's chances?

by | Nov 4, 2016

Beretta Nova interviews Cthulhu campaign manager Eminence Waite as part of her Dread and Revulsion on the Campaign Trail ’16 series

Reprinted with permission.

Four days to the election and the collective human hive is abuzz with the revelation that Clinton campaign guru John Podesta is connected to satanic rituals. This is the first time there is solid evidence of what many suspected. Calling Hillary the devil has been a favorite pastime of the right. Noted conspiracy theorist Alex Jones revived that old gem last month saying, “She’s Demon-Possessed.”

Today we caught a glimpse of the kind of ritual magic that celebrities like Lady Gaga and Jay-Z partake alongside powerful nerds like John Podesta. A performance artist, who goes by the name Marina Abramovic, has now provided fuel to the fire of elite devil-worship with her displays of “spirit cooking” and other work.

The only real supernatural game in this race is Cthulhu, whose disdainful statement early this morning about Abramovic’s work pointed to something deeper going on.

I caught up with his campaign manager Eminence Waite at an airport bar in Milwaukee to discuss this late-breaking swerve in the campaign.

Beretta Nova: Marina Abramovic’s work has all the trappings of your common avant garde artist: menstrual blood, semen, breast milk, and over-melodramatic poetry. What can you tell us about her?

Eminence Waite: She’s been preying on the gullible, and always the wealthy, for quite some time. She is a great bellwether to see if a particular person if susceptible to a svengali or they are ready to face the true mysteries.

BN: So, not really a Satanist, just a grifter?

EW: Let’s take care of something upfront. There is no “Satan.” If ever such a thing were to truly exist we would know – we move in the same spaces it would occupy. The idea – the myth – of Satan is how a highly superstitious society, who had lost touch of the Old Ways, dealt with appearances of our vice presidential candidate over the years.

BN: Nyarlathotep?

EW: Yes, the Crawling Chaos.

BN: He’s Satan?

EW: Don’t ever say it to his face.

BN: Why?

EW: He’ll cut out your tongue. Then make finger puppets of your eyes.

BN: So… this “Spirit Cooking” – what is it?

EW: It started out as symbolic cannibalism.

BN: Started out? What is it now?

EW: I’ve been running a presidential campaign for over a year, I’ve been out of circulation. But I’ll tell you this: she came into possession of a terrible English translation of Cultes des Goules. She’s been using it to make up for her severe lack of artistic talent. Why learn to paint when you can persuade famous people to drink blood and cum for a sizable check?

BN: Ghoul cults? What kind of book is that?

EW: Are you familiar with the Marquis de Sade?

BN: Yes.

EW: This is the book you graduate to when de Sade bores you. Still, badly translated or not, the book has its hooks in her. It’s only a matter of time.

BN: For what?

EW: Before her clients get bored with the same bad poetry and stabbing themselves in the hand. She’ll have to read, and enact, more of Francois-Honore Balfour’s wisdom to keep the Kardashians of the world coming to her studio. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s cooked more than spirits for the Podestas. Being on their right side can open a lot of doors to a lot of new clients.

BN: So it’s really a cookbook – a cannibal cookbook.

EW: And more.

BN: Does that mean Hillary isn’t “demon-possessed?”

EW: She could be. Negroponte isn’t skilled and her reanimation was far from complete. She had flies landing on her at a debate. Embarrassing work. Having someone like Marina around will certainly help satisfy her cravings.

Cthulhu 2024 Campaign Gear is Here!

Cthulhu Cultists wearing Cthulhu for President 2024 t-shirts