Beretta Nova continues her Dread and Revulsion on the Campaign Trail ’16 series
KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – October 4, 2016
HOUSTON, TX — The Clinton syndicate breathed a huge sigh of relief last night when Wikileaks failed to deliver on their promise of an “October Surprise.” Millions of Trumpians and vengeful Basement Dwellers wailed across the internet at Assange’s failure to put to “Red Queen” to bed. But it may be time for another campaign to start hyperventilating.
I’m sitting in a never-been-redecorated-since-the-1970s conference room at the Johnson Space Center. The absolute zero chill of the room keeps the usual beat reporters – locals, science bloggers, conspiracy nuts – blessedly quiet.
It’s zero-dark-thirty. I’m chugging Tang-flavored coffee waiting for a tip from the Cthulhu campaign to pay off at a press conference.
Thirty minutes past curtain call, a solemn line of blank-faced white coats and security goons file into the room. With a clank they heft a chrome cylinder onto a side table. Weird humming noises, like bombs do on television – vibrate the table, but the government employees aren’t concerned.
They start with a too-long history of asteroid strikes on Earth. Dinosaurs. Yucatan. Arizona. Tunguska. Detroit.
“NASA’s Space Guard program was put on high alert when we started recieving deep space transmissions threatening America with a meteor strike if political concessions were not granted to an unknown group of people,” said Dr. Judith Echevarria.
“Calling themselves SMOD they’ve taken to using the signal as social media propaganda to gain domestic support.”
“Given the nature of this threat, and the lack of budget to effectively counter an organization with the resources to launch an asteroid at earth we formed a public-private partnership with Ten Tech, LLC facilitated by the Cthulhu for America campaign. With their help we have greatly increased our ability to launch a countermeasure to this terrorist threat.”
With a grunt, a boyish boffin rolled the cylinder to the front of the room. The cylinder introduced itself as Dr. Thorsten Kalb and explained he was speaking through an experimental telepresence device.
I’ll spare you the technical details, but NASA created a compact, efficient asteroid-killer that would make Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos rend their garments in shame. And they’ve aimed it at the SMOD organization’s terror weapon.
The SMOD group (or groups; four Twitter accounts are dedicated to the “giant meteor”), have long harassed the Cthulhu campaign. Nyarlathatep, Cthulhu vice presidential pick, has turned that around condemning the group as promoters of a suicide bombing terrorist.
Hats off to Cthulhu for coming up with a unique, concrete plan to dispose of one of his political opponents… until Hillary flattens the Ecuadorean embassy in London with a drone strike of her own.
