KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – October 15, 2018
By Beretta Nova
A radical activist group offered genetic rehabilitation services to Democratic Sen. Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts after a DNA test failed to stem criticism of her appropriated Native American heritage.
In an embarrassing turn of events, Warren’s Native ancestry was calculated to be as little as 0.1% — drawing further derision from Republicans and President Trump. She was later the subject of a strong rebuke from Cherokee Secretary of State Chuck Hoskin, Jr. for “undermining tribal interests” with her “continued claims of tribal heritage.”
Warren received unexpected assistance from a local Massachusetts activist group calling itself Innsmouth Nation.
Agnes Olmstead, spokesperson for Innsmouth Nation, called Warren’s actions “unfortunate” and suggested that instead of “looking to the past for an identity with which to defeat Trump” she should look closer to home for “a solution to her future.”
Innsmouth Nation members claim to be survivors of secret concentration camps run by the U.S. Army in the 1920’s. They have tried for years to sue the federal government for their gross mistreatment, but their cases are routinely thrown out of court. They also make the unproven claim to have a special genetic heritage predating humanity. Local urban legend describes this heritage manifesting in fish-like deformities – something Olmstead regards as “bigoted, outdated species-ist language.”
“Warren’s desire to prove herself right overcame good sense to accept her miniscule blood quantum in quiet,” Olmstead said in a statement.
“Rather than rile Native American tribes trying to shore up her presidential ambitions, she should have sought help through our Uplift program. Uplift is a well-tested process where ancestral DNA is intertwined with a subject’s own genetic code.” Olmstead added. “It’s rarely fatal.”
Uplift is a controversial, unlicensed medical procedure. The Massachusetts Board of Health has issued multiple alerts cautioning against the operation. Questions revolve not just around the procedure itself, but the origin of this “ancestral DNA.”
“We feel we can truly help her claim super-minority status. Warren could look forward to decades of an ever increasing percentile of Innsmouth DNA, making her a formidable opponent in identity politics,” said Olmstead. “We’ve invited her to spend a few nights in New Innsmouth, I’m sure she’ll come around.”
