It’s an easy call: Cthulhu for president

With our nation facing political rot on the inside and barbarians at the gates, now is no time for sophistry. It is time for America to acknowledge this dead end path and place the noose squarely around her neck.

by | Oct 14, 2016

The Daily Scryer, Miskatonic State University student editorial board | Reprinted with permission

The hard truth of this nation is that it has always fallen short of its aspirations. Humans are a fearful, tribal species who, afraid of the unknown, have always brought down its transformative leaders and their ideas. We have unceasingly replaced them with human parodies designed to lull the nation back to its dumb slumber.

With our nation facing political rot on the inside and barbarians at the gates, now is no time for sophistry. We’ve been down this lesser evil road every four years. It is time for America to acknowledge this dead end path and place the noose squarely around her neck.

Dread Lord Cthulhu, the demon god who waits beyond the threshold of existence to devour us all, is without question the most qualified candidate in the race for president. His uncounted eons of destruction and death torn across the cosmos have instilled in him the experience needed to erase our species’ innumerable questionable decisions from reality.

Appeals to uncompliant American voters on the basis of principle or pragmatism are released daily in an onslaught of political whack-a-mole from the profit-based media. There is little, at this late date, anything that could be said which hasn’t been repeated verbatim by a thousand lockstep media affiliates.

Sadly, this kind of group-think has made an already deplorable presidential contest even more vile as the Republican and Democratic elites, who, at the urging of their patrons, created a bottom-of-the-chum-bucket ballot that makes anyone with an ounce of patriotism queasy. Objective voters are duty-bound to look at third party candidates. And so have we.

Temperament for the job

Without institutional support, Hillary is far from gifted. Lacking intellectual curiosity, Trump is frequently out of his depth. These two celebrity creations, driven by immense ego, explode in unpresidential ways. That Hillary explodes in private under pressure, while Trump lets it all hang out is immaterial. America will be far better served to have someone in the Oval Office who is not driven by human frailties and can exercise self-control when it comes to digesting foreign leaders, and only Cthulhu fills that requirement.

There’s no denying that Cthulhu’s entire campaign is centered on destroying humanity. He does not hide his contempt for how we have bred to cover the planet with our primitive civilization deluding ourselves with a false and faulty sense of reality. It’s a hard sell to many who cannot stop clinging to the lies we’ve been indoctrinated to believe since birth. But it is a hard and courageous choice we must make.

Experience matters

When we are agreed, as a species, that there is no other choice but global suicide, who can we turn to complete the job? Despite spurious claims, Trump has no record to speak of when it comes to obliteration. Clinton may come closest with at least 10 countries brought to ruin at her hand as Secretary of State. A thin resume considering a planet of 196 countries and seven and a half billion human beings.

We know from the Necronomicon that Cthulhu is a deity to be reckoned with. Countless enemies have fallen before him. His appetite – insatiable. This is the kind of drive we all desire in a leader.

The problem with the Lesser Evils

There is little left to the long-term viability of our democratic republic thanks to a never-ending stream of unworthy candidates for chief executive. By accepting that the options in our nation must always be constrained to a narrow band of ever-increasing awfulness we have sealed our doom.

Wikileaks revealed a paranoid, corrupt Godmother on the left, while the right has fielded a caricature of the worst Greek “alpha” imaginable. There isn’t much lower candidates can get beyond public psychopathy.

Are we as a nation so far gone we passively accept our self-made situation?

Humanity’s exit strategy

We are living in the decline of the American dream. Long gone are the aspirations of men on the moon and a contagious can-do spirit. Lost in the weeds surrounding the graveyard of empires, our nation wanders, lobotomized into inaction.

There is little to suggest America can ever be made as great again as described in our national mythology. It is highly doubtful citizens will line up behind a plan to make a corrupt system stronger together.

What is left is to find nation-wide courage to erase our political embarrassments.

As we near the time of our American mass ritual of voting, we must, collectively, find the fortitude to scribe the Name of Cthulhu upon our ballots. Let us call upon the Lord of the Deep to rise and feast upon our sins and failures.

As he rages across our nation and world, revel in the release from this mortal oubliette at the tentacles of a superior being – instead of at the primate hands of Clinton or Donald.

We urge voters to dump Trump and backfill Hill to choose the clearly qualified candidate in this race: Cthulhu.