8 things you need to know about next Veep, the Crawling Chaos

The Crawling Chaos' experience at spreading delirium and horror makes him uniquely qualified to help craft an apocalypse that works for everyone and professionally send American families to oblivion.

by | Aug 20, 2016

Meet Cthulhu’s running mate.

Cthulhu just picked the Crawling Chaos (also known as Nyarlathotep) to be his running mate!

While he has a thousand names and forms, his core issues of madness and destruction have always been consistent.

Let’s get to know him:

The Crawling Chaos is a lifelong fighter for madness and the most qualified vice presidential candidate in our nation’s history. He’s also a being of relentless ruthlessness who believes no problem is unsolvable if you’re willing to put in the work. That commitment to delivering results has stayed with him throughout his eternal career as a public servant.

Cthulhu chose a running mate who will be a real enforcer and help unite our country in insanity. The Crawling Chaos’ experience at spreading delirium and horror makes him uniquely qualified to help craft an apocalypse that works for everyone and professionally send American families to oblivion.

Here are eight things you should know about Cthulhu’s new running mate—and our next vice president:

  1. Before he got into politics, the Crawling Chaos spent time working with missionaries on Klaggesh-Tlagheis.
    Nyarlathotep started his public-service career by taking a century off to run an entropy vortex founded by devotees of Azathoth on Klaggesh-Tlagheis. He’s described his time on Klaggesh-Tlagheis as formative in his commitment to public service, his understanding of religion as a useful tool, and the effectiveness of spreading madness to destroy a civilization from within.
  2. He is a strong fighter for religious liberty.
    The Crawling Chaos spent over 30 years representing the Church of Starry Wisdom in Providence, Rhode Island. Religious discrimination against the sect was so venomous that the church was forced to disband when 181 congregants were murdered by religious extremists. He continues the fight as each new chapter of the Church of Starry Wisdom opens worldwide.
  3. The Crawling Chaos champions non-traditional education.
    Nyarlathotep understands that teaching the test with common core is an utter failure. Children must be engaged at an early age with exposure to the writings of Alhazred, von Junzt and Eibon. Adult education through the practical application of non-Euclidean calculus and quantum physics has also been high on his list of priorities.
  4. He believes in the empowerment of women
    The Crawling Chaos fought for women’s empowerment in the American colonies in the 1600s and long before that worldwide. He has consistently worked to raise women up through education in hyper-advanced STEM fields and alternative religious studies as society has sought to burn them at the stake.
  5. The Crawling Chaos is a vocal advocate for mental health.
    No one is more familiar with the proper methods of exposing a mortal mind to the endless stygian vistas of the universe than Nyarlathotep. He has worked tirelessly to open minds blind to the true reality of existence.
  6. He believes in super-science
    The Crawling Chaos has always stood by the side of the great thinkers of the cosmos spurring their inventiveness ever onward and upward. The universe is littered with the results of his inspiration and support.
  7. No one understands the Middle East better
    Nyarlathotep, as his name suggests, was once known as the Black Pharaoh. As a former ruler of Egypt he has direct experience with the people of the region and will be a great asset when American forces absorb the Middle East into our more prefect union.
  8. The Crawling Chaos supports the arts
    Some say that the blues was created by his guise as the Royal Pant – a charge he will gladly accept. Many a successful musician’s (albeit short) career was made possible by his smart, focused patronage. He looks forward to applying this practical knowledge nationwide to assist every small business owner find success.

The Crawling Chaos has spent eternity spreading madness not mediocrity, and that’s exactly the choice we face in this election.