0 Items Selected

No products in the cart.

Select Page

Over 200 Reasons (and counting) Cthulhu should be our next president

In 2016, we won’t just choose our next president. America will choose a direction for our country on issues from religious liberty to immigration to climate change to building an economy that helps working families collect delicious heads.

Cthulhu has proved He’s the candidate who can take on tough politicians, have them shived and dumped in the East River. But that’s not the only reason He should be our next president. Here are the first reasons that Cthulhu should be president.

What’s your reason? Add it at the end of this post.

  1. Cthulhu is one of the most qualified candidates for the presidency in modern times.
  2. In fact, as a God no one is more qualified to be president than Cthulhu.

  3. Cthulhu has destroyed no less than fifty sapient species in this galaxy alone.
  4. Cthulhu will utilize the American Armed Forces for the reason it was created: world domination
  5. We can’t afford to continue to let the vampire squid of the Republican and Democratic parties leech the lifeblood of the nation.
  6. It is long past time for a new status quo.
  7. Cthulhu will make nine appointments to the Supreme Court.
  8. He’ll remove big money in politics by removing all “Masters of the Universe” from existence.
  9. He will make immigration a thing of the past, but dominating the globe.
  10. He will complete his terraforming project (AKA “Climate Change”) by 2025.
  11. The economy is stronger when large amounts of the population are sacrificed.
  12. Cthulhu will transform education by requiring courses in metaphysics and advanced non-Euclidean geometry as well as readings from unexpurgated and accurately translated copies of Al Azif, Unaussprechlichen Kulten, De Vermis Mysteriis and more
  13. He declared on the world stage that “eldritch rites need human wrights.”
  14. Experts say Cthulhu’s plan to eat Wall Street accountants is the toughest and most bloody of all presidential candidates.
  15. Have you seen the Republican and Democratic debates?

  16. He has spent his life dominating the weak and consuming the tasty.
  17. Cthulhu will not monetize your misery.
  18. Cthulhu knows that howling and bloodletting is the best strategy.
  19. He will not hide behind human “firewalls.”
  20. I would not institute a theocracy in America. As a real God I would have no need to force people to believe in me.
  21. A robust human sacrifice program will ensure full employment for America and all its conquered territories.
  22. We will ensure security not by building walls, but by expanding our borders.
  23. I manipulated Twitter to ensure every 1 Direction hashtag trends just to drive the world a little more insane.
  24. I own a continent, have a global network of cults, eat babies and am still the most viable presidential candidate this year.

  25. In today’s partisan environment, the only candidate that can unite all parties and persuasions in the insanity is Cthulhu.
  26. After you are eaten, your effective tax rate will be ZERO.
    Why Cthulhu? Reason 26
  27. Only presidential candidate to have a region of Pluto named after him. (babakganoosh)
  28. Fhtagn (hlp)
  29. Why chose the lesser evil? Donald Trump is a lesser evil for lesser men. (22charlesmiller)
  30. All forbidden knowledge shall be available for all. A mad mind is worth investing for a strong economy. (powell.randall)
  31. More electable than Hillary. (artori711)
  32. With Cthulhu poverty will be a thing of the past and so will humanity. (rennt)
  33. Change is no longer an empty promise
  34. Media attacks on Cthulhu show he is a legitimate threat.
  35. He’s proved nobody can devour politicians better than He can.


  36. Ctulhu will eliminate traditional classes. Humans will be divided into insane and eaten. (suxxit.cool)
  37. The old ones are smarter than the new ones! (robertgarven)
  38. Rs & Ds are pathetic evils. Politics is about electing evil, so I support True Evil! (matt)
  39. The stars are right (floppy2801)
  40. The long arm of the law will cease its overreaches, swept up in the long tentacles of Cthulhu. (sodom)
  41. You will never have to elect another president again, because Cthulhu is eternal and will dominate all. (superior.face2)
  42. Cthulhu will do a better job at making America great again. (elderjonah)
  43. When there are probems, Cthulhu attacks them… literally! Presidents nowadays just try to avoid them. (georgiefischer)
  44. I firmly believe what’s good for cultists is good for America.


  45. We must defend and expand religious liberty to protect the rights of cultists from discrimination: #LegalizeHumanSacrifice
  46. The biggest divide we have politically is not between Democrats and Republicans, it is between Republicans and Democrats and the American People. Vote Cthulhu, you best independently evil choice.
  47. In a word, Trump. (TotalBullfrog)
  48. Metallica & Iron Maiden did, “Call of Cthulhu!” (tthebohemiotx)
  49. Cthulhu has proven time and again that #NoLivesMatter. (hill.c807)
  50. Cthulhu deplores science as clumsily pawed at by humanity. He believes in science so advanced you can only conceive of it as magic.
  51. He will restore sanity to the nomination process. (an admitted first for him) (boojum072)
  52. Cthulhu will usher in a new age of equality for all. ALL will be eaten. (anthony.j.bakker)
  53. Why Cthulhu? How dare you question the lord of the dark deep Cthulhu! (peaceeveryone720)
  54. Cthulhu is the right choice for both liberals and conservatives. He will usher in rapid change and return the Earth to the state it was in at the beginning of time. (chunasperendao)
  55. The greed of the fossil-fuel industry has allowed Cthulhu to engineer a centuries-long terraforming project you call ‘Climate Change.’


  56. As my father always said. “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.” (dammerung83)
  57. He’s willing to do what no other candidate will. (kodyfb777)
  58. Cthulhu is proven to be fair since all will be made insane regardless of class, creed and race. (benson1)
  59. Cthulhu shall consume the broken political system and wipe the populace clean. The start of a new world. (jdbg95)
  60. Cthulth is better than Trump, the inconsistent failure, or Hilliary, The lying fraud (dawnrose0414)
  61. You can’t defeat a god and if you can’t beat ’em join ’em. (thatjimboguy)
  62. Cthulhu has been around for [trillions] of years, if he is wise enough to conquer the Earth, he is wise enough to be your next president (randomtrash109)
  63. Cthulhu has dreampt for long enough, it is time for him to be in power again. (spencerkoschmeder)
  64. A really talented ballroom dancer. No one ever saw that coming but He’s just smooth on his feet and gentle on the ladies (rabbirob2676)
  65. He Is The Only President To Have Tentacles.(I Love The Tentacles) (decietfulmoonlight)
  66. 60% of American voters hate Trump and Hillary. They are #ReadyForCthulhu


  67. When the humans cant rely on eatchother you can rely on Chtulhu (to eat you) (GeorgeWBush)
  68. We need more third party candidates. Cthulhu is the best choice for a struggling America. (parkertylerjones)
  69. Cthulhu is doing us a great service by removing these other ‘politicians’. We owe him the service of giving him the world back! (jackduddington)
  70. He is in his own independent party; The Cultists (katsrule90)
  71. As an elder god, Cthulhu is not beholden to special interests and Washington insiders. (Funderwood)
  72. Read My Lips…..Shoggoths (JCon577)
  73. After Cthulu rises, all will be equally mad. Health care costs will be halved since none of us will need therapy anymore! (jburnish)
  74. If you don’t vote for him, he will eat your soul. (mst66186)
  75. We must unapologetically defend America’s interests around the globe. By dominating all nations around the globe.


  76. He tells it like it is. (gmattcallahan)
  77. Cthulu will dramatically increase America’s cultural exports in the form of cultists and forbidden texts, and this can only be a good thing for the nation’s economy. (seesthroughwalls)
  78. He’s the candidate for the ladies. Why? Two words: Suction Cups (jones.michael.w)
  79. He has quite a good sense of fashion (Braeden0525)
  80. Because being devoured by an Elder God is preferable to watching cable news coverage of an election. (dbatterman)
  81. You no longer have to worry about money in politics or corrupt politicians, Cthulhu consumes everything. (pizzaforeverdead)
  82. “ALL HAIL CTHULHU, OUR LORD AND SAVIOR!” – Anonymous Cultist 2016 (Ian_s_McDuffie)
  83. We all love Cthulhu (6584884)
  84. Shout! Kill! Revel and enjoy yourselves! Cthulhu – Bringer of the Purist Liberty (PikachuMarauder)
  85. With an army of slaves, Cthulhu can get America out of its $22.5 Trillion dollar debt. (johnnyk1016)
  86. 10 billion eaten souls cant be wrong (tomyzav)
  87. The Oval Office has had a hotline to R’lyeh since 1981. When Cthulhu is president, it will finally be official. (Trancer7777)
  88. Because the nihilism of cosmic terror is preferable to the nihilism of the two party system. (lostletters)
  89. He offers a swift and painless doom unlike the long drawn out suffering from the current candidates (alexdavis)
  90. It is time to end the war on mental exploration.


  91. Life, that’s why. (wafflemuncher1226)
  92. You have kewler t-shirts than SMOD. (kg8507)
  93. Cthulhu is not Donald Trump (rossplantinga)
  94. “In your hearts you know His rites!” — Goldwater for Cthulhu (ben)
  95. You don’t have to worry about voter fraud. Hell, you won’t even need to vote! (chibicho550)
  96. Politics and modern life already drive people mad. Why not go mad in the presence of the Great Old One? Lose your mind to Cthulhu today! (s3twothirteen)
  97. Cthulhu has a massive international cult, so it will be eaiser to make alliances with countries. Before betraying them and invading. (Overnerdwillfall)
  98. Just Because…..yup just Because (harris.sigler)
  99. As a Grand Destroyer of Worlds, Vote for a Winner! Vote Cthulhu! (jacko99_us)
  100. Freedom means being able to fhtagn in any language you want.


  101. Those tentacles, though! (kesmith)
  102. Why have a human for president when you can have a dragon human squid for president? (prometheus.n17)
  103. Who needs to build a wall when consuming the planet in endless madness is just as effective? (3vtyai+ab1ix07yrl4qs)
  104. Because his plan for the middle east — ravaging the land and eating all of the souls of its inhabitants — is likely to bring the first peace to the region in 2000 plus years. (rgb)
  105. Equality for the mentally ill. If everyone is insane no one is. (dominosh)
  106. All politicians fear Cthulhu deep inside. (stickfiguregaba)
  107. If not Cthulhu, then who ? Nyarlathotep ? Shoggoth, please… (bob.l.shirley)
  108. It was foretold! (olozzalap)
  109. Our current political system became evil over 50 years ago: why vote for “middle managers” when we can go right to the top and elect of the root of all evil. (number6ix)
  110. Ctulhu ain’t no Donny Trumpy. And he ain’t no Hilly Clinty. Three’s a charm. (LukeStuartStar)
  111. Pacification through anihilation… without discrimination. (plc66.aus)
  112. Even Trump is intimidated by the size of his tentacles! (robsjunkmail98)
  113. Murder, mayhem, magic — whats not to love? (thatguy)
  114. Cthulhu is the most metal candidate in the history of the universe. (mike_urdiales)
  115. Americans don’t need pathological criminals or a three-ring circus barker. We need leadership, supernatural sense and non-Euclidean plans.


  116. You actually think Hillary and Trump are qualified? O R’LYEH? (rbell486)
  117. America needs Cthulhu’s tentacle on the button. (So Cthulhu can press it!) (thatbriguy)
  118. Yes he can……………eat out souls (john.q.publicton)
  119. He is the greatest evil to exist. (saradomin.daman)
  120. Arguably the most physically attractive candidate this cycle. (jgillismobile)
  121. Rush Limbaugh won’t swallow you whole, Cthulhu will. (lordshwifty)
  122. Bravado, Strength, Experience and Honesty finally all in one candidate. (bradburyesqu)
  123. Cthulhu will make social security and medicare solvent by consuming the elderly. (wtcoleman)
  124. Tired of seeing politicians pander by pretending to care about the common people? You can be assured Cthulhu would never do that! (bperler)
  125. Foreign bribes don’t fuel my campaign, Americans do.


  126. Material existence is vastly overrated. (preternatural)
  127. I am supporting Cthulhu because the others who are running are a disaster our nation is fucked and there is no turning back unless Cthulhu becomes our president. (thatskaterandrew)
  128. Keep Calm and Embrace Madness (wilkes4545)
  129. Cthulhu’s simple approach to the middle east crisis is one we can a get behind (Complete and total destruction, and insanity) (KOGaming1)
  130. If you vote for him you already know the answer to the question: What’s the worst that could happen? (staybackmon)
  131. Because Cthulhu doesn’t care which bathroom you use. He doesn’t care if you’re gay. He doesn’t care about anything except that you’re in the way. (staybackmon)
  132. He will eliminate Washington corruption during his time in office by systematically eating his way through the Washington political machines, lobbyists, and bureaucrats. (jemusk)
  133. Congress dare not oppose him! (sigvarius)
  134. He isn’t Hillary Clinton. (dylandowns)
  135. I don’t need the NSA’s domestic spying program because I already know all. (girlthulhu)
  136. There will be no more debate over guns because there will be no need for guns once he has consumed us all. (xenohelios)
  137. With Cthulhu in charge of the planet the 18.2 trillion dollar debt won’t matter, because he will rule us all(yes, the whole world) as equals, so there will be no national debt. (PrasieCthulhuForever)
  138. Because human life is a hideous joke without a punchline, devoid of reason, meaning or empathy. Vote Cthulhu to end this meaningless charade, once and for all! (gasmaskangel)
  139. Cthulhu doesn’t just care about the 1%. Under Cthulhu, 100% of humanity will die. (minibkwrm)
  140. Short-lived mortals like Trump and Clinton can’t come close to the experience an unfathomably ancient being has. (phaedryx)
  141. He goes to the source of eliminating all HUMAN problems… doesn’t just treat the symptoms. (waterboy78973)
  142. Why not? (floognoodle)
  143. He will finally provide resolution to the great pro-life/pro-choice divide. All pregnancies will be terminated by the mother being eaten. (jasonfoulball)
  144. There won’t be drug problems because all the dealers will be sacrificed, eaten, or driven mad. (shogunturtle)
  145. Because I #FeelTheMadness (cheesuschrystler)
  146. His policies will give us the truest form of equality, in which there are no rights for anyone. (randomhorse264)
  147. With those tentacles, everyone is a “sucker for punishment”. (mmind5351)
  148. All that He sees, He conquers. (nicholasdelorenzi)
  149. Canada will be first foreign nation to be eaten. (mopoulter)
  150. Forget red states and blue states, all states will be the color from outer space. (jbird3030)
  151. There is no alternative (jyligosky)
  152. I would rather be driven mad and have my soul eaten, than watch our country be driven even more mad than it already is. (terwedfam)
  153. Cthulhu will seize the means of production, and destroy the bourgeoisie. And everything else on Earth. ()
  154. Cthulhu will seize the means of production, and destroy the bourgeoisie. And everything else on Earth. ( damnedgentlemen)
  155. He likes manatees. (purplemanatees)
  156. He is by far the most attractive of all the candidates. (gh0str1d3r216)
  157. Cthulhu seems more realistically honest. (info)
  158. Cthulhu will sovle racial problems in Baltimore and the crime will end. Cthulhu is an equal-opportunity soul-eating God. BALTIMORE NEEDS CHANGE: VOTE CTHULHU 2016! (eogsdaughter)
  159. He will bring equal rights to all people who have long suffered from European colonization…by eating everyone. A level playing field to eradicate the discrimination is his platform. I am ready. (cnesjr)
  160. Cthulhu supports the rights (or lack of) of the people. (extraemail505)
  161. We are already more than halfway to covering the world in maddness on our own.. So WHY NOT! (boojum072)
  162. What says God of Madness more than Washington DC? (philliprudy)
  163. Lovecraft was not a ghost writer pretending to be Cthulhu. (missmedphys)
  164. All other candidates, including the Libertarian and Green, just aren’t that effective at inducing insanity, and it’s their best trait! Plus Cthulhu doesn’t need to be awake to induce madness and inspire people. Imagine the possibilities once he awakens! (tatersaladjd)
  165. Cthulhu will feed the poor with the one percent. (jsjohnms)
  166. Why vote for absurd propaganda when you can have blasphemous geometry? (zettberlin)
  167. Cthulhu cares for young people like me! (sifer.aseph)
  168. He’ll either eat your terrible neighbors or at least put you our of your misery. (s.one65)
  169. Eric Cartman supports him!!! (kingjames0013)
  170. Cthuhlu plans to eliminate the the ever increasing social and economic problem of Prison Overpopulation by devouring all prisoners immediately upon entering office. (kadaignault)
  171. Because we must either go mad from the terrifying vistas of reality or flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age, and these colors don’t run. (endov8)
  172. The most the other candidates can promise is only eight years of madness. (majgenstanley)
  173. Free education in the form of ancient text for all willing to embrace madness! (phoenixotaku)
  174. He knows what’s up (rockydaisy7)
  175. Who needs a supreme court when you have Cthulhu! (malmen)
  176. Cthulu has no hair, and doesn’t lie about wearing a wig! (Hcatlord)
  177. If you have to vote for a raving insane monstrosity. Why not go to the source? (symphany2)
  178. Abandon all hope. Change. (kevin)
  179. As a true Illithid, we should all support our true elder and bring him to power. #SquidPower (Lancebr.724)
  180. He will prevent all forms of conflict and oppression with his all-reaching tentacles (potatopatota69)
  181. It’s inevitable, so why resist? And He promised me ice cream… indescribably horrible ice cream. So it’s better than vanilla. (vermis.rex)
  182. Why should you vote for Cthulhu? Because you can have Cultist Rites. Vote Today. (Creeperlord39)
  183. Remorseless mass destruction is his specialty. (ericagrant1956)
  184. In such divisive times, only Cthulhu can bring together all Americans (in His digestive tract). ( TravisSMcClain)
  185. United Tentacle Party – Cthulhu/Flying Spaghetti Monster ticket can’t lose. Cultists and Pastafarians Unite! (mendishar)
  186. He will support the right to bear arms. Real cultists will protect themselves and their sacrifices. Besides, Cthulhu will devour all the gun owners who oppose him. (fwtewell)
  187. Cthulhu is not racist. He hates all equally. He is not a criminal. He is above mortal laws. (Demonbane775)
  188. Elder Party 2016: We’re not perfect, but other 2 sides are nuts (mrzu2012)
  189. Cthulhus hands are bigger than Trumps (pandoras_dk)
  190. If you’re going for evil, go all the way! (rixracer)
  191. I was won over by the beautiful campaign art by Richard Upton Pickman. (kowaljp)
  192. I will no longer settle for the lesser evil. (corey.smith.ic)
  193. I, for one, welcome the coming of our unspeakable, eldritch, overlord. (drpaul)
  194. Because why waste the chance of the stars aligning and the dark priest awakening? Besides if we vote Cthulhu, he is going to solve every problem, like life (jakobgee)
  195. He will FINALLY give Americans the death we deserve!! (arealsmartgirl)
  196. Insanity makes us stronger (lkaceofspades)
  197. American R’lyeh needs Cthulhu in these harsh, dark times. (caledillon05)
  198. Cthulhu has a plan that will work (unlike the other candidates) – bringing equality to all through the sane measure of equal insanity (justageek)
  199. He isn’t Trump. (EyaRGey)
  200. Foreign policy is his strong suit and his policies to better the relationship with other countries is simple…utter destruction through conquer and devour (n2mew2)
  201. Cthulhu has a better hair do than both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump put together! (joe)
  202. Because Cthulhu cares about the end of humanity and wont carry it out so recklessly! (Simplyjaymeee)
  203. Cthulhu will end wordwide hunger in only a few bites (kingcactaurx)
  204. Because Cthulhu wants to destroy politics as we know them! (tobosbunny)
  205. Puny humans can’t resist Cthulhu! #ReadyForCthulhu (mark.pupillo)
  206. Cthulhu is our savior. (jackwarshal)
  207. Cthulhu is too ugly to lure young white house interns into sexual situations. (ethyl)
  208. He’ll return America to a God-fearing society. Literally (dirtmovermalachitrumpet)
  209. Because Cthulhu cares about your puny, worthless human carcass that is too weak to understand the eldritch mysteries of the universe. (plutomarc239)
  210. Better to vote for a green-skinned candidate than an orange-skinned one. (ameliaavora)
  211. If I’m forced to choose between evils I might as well go full throttle! (missymensah17)
  212. Because in spite of Cthulhu being the harbinger of a terrifying rip in the fabric of our universe, unveiling the screaming insanity that await us all, hes still a more sensible candidate than Trump (del_mids)
  213. Cthulhu will eat all the Jehovah’s Witnesses who knock on your doors early Saturday morning. (hfrank6048)
  214. “One nation under god” was actually referring to Cthulhu. (victus.dollars)
  215. He will end the problems of weight in america. By eating every overweight person, as well as every underweight person. (quinnwhitehead1)
  216. Vin Diesel is voting for our Lord and Savior. ALL PRAISE THE MIGHTY TENTACLES OF CTHULU’S BEARD!!!! (boogieman1999)
  217. All Americans will be bilingual in English and R’lyehian, and all Humans will be Americans. (archikerb)
  218. Milord Cthulhu does not believe in segregation. Everyone will be eaten eventually. (czardank)
  219. Cthulhu will devour you no matter what bathroom you use, what god you believe in, or how much money you make. Bring on the purge!! (jlschwitzke)
  220. Cthulhu would never reject a woman for having more meat on her bones, because there’s all the more to love devouring. ( ameliaavora)
  221. Trump and Clinton both try and mask their evil from the world. Cthulhu is the only honest candidate out there this election cycle. (west7997)

What’s your reason for supporting Cthulhu?

  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.