Offer Made as Many Americans Begin Questioning Biden’s Sanity
KINGSPORT STAR HERALD – April 1, 2020
By Beretta Nova
Cthulhu for America has called Democrat Joe Biden and offered him the vice-presidential slot on his ticket, sources say.
Some may think this pick sets up a stark clash in styles: a dark elder god intent on the destruction of Earth and the eradication of humanity alongside a life-long conservative Democrat in severe cognitive decline.
The surprise offer comes at a delicate time for the Biden campaign as it flounders with a senile candidate and a fresh accusation of sexual assault rising in the news.
On Monday, Cthulhu expressed harsh words for his November opponent Donald Trump, slamming Trump’s promise to kill only 200,000 Americans. And on Tuesday, sources indicated Cthulhu was not even considering Joe Biden a living creature.
But on early Wednesday, Cthulhu transmitted the offer.
Cthulhu’s choice of Joe Biden as his running mate may signify a turn in the Dread Lord’s plan to liquefy the human race.
“The use of a meat puppet to lead the kine to their doom has a long history of success in American history,” explained campaign manager Noire Whateley. Biden’s mental degradation makes him the perfect receptacle for Cthulhu’s domination, she further explained.
In tapping Biden, Cthulhu could add establishment Democrats to his coalition. After their humiliating defeat by Trump in 2016, Democratic party stalwarts have been driven to defeat Trump at all costs, yet are hamstrung in their effort with a candidate who can barely speak a coherent sentence. Some Democrats, like Massachusetts Democratic Party sub-chair Lexington Wells feel that, “Maybe vote Blue No Matter Who should be Vote Eldritch No Matter Which?”
In a such a calamitous year of cascading downturns for human civilization, it appears November is looking suspiciously tailor-made for a Cthulhu victory.
