Ted Cruz fails religious liberty test in Point Pleasant

Normally a quiet small town, Point Pleasant is now occupied by Federal forces seeking at least five men and women in connection to a legal ritual human sacrifice.

by | Apr 4, 2016


POINT PLEASANT, INDIANA — Normally a quiet small town, Point Pleasant is now occupied by Federal forces seeking at least 5 men and women in connection to a ritual human sacrifice. Their problem — human sacrifice was made legal in Point Pleasant last year.

According to FBI agent Karen Dulles, on the night of the spring equinox several townsfolk congregated atop Revenant Peak. There, allegedly, members of the World Church of the Lucid Deep performed a religious ritual culminating in the death of an unidentified male.

“The law is clear. You folk can call this legal all you want, but it is murder. The more this town stonewalls our investigation, the more the might of the U.S. Government will come down upon it,” said Agent Dulles.

The aggressiveness of federal officers in Point Pleasant is in stark contrast to the hands-off approach used in the militia standoff in Oregon earlier in the year. It is rumored that President Obama is personally invested in making an example of the town.

“Strange clicks on our phone service. Helicopter flybys. People suddenly moving into town with perfect background histories – but not holding a job. We know our local right to religious freedom isn’t respected by the presidency,” said Mayor Gertrude Howard.

Taking advantage of the ongoing Republican primary contest, several townspeople contacted the Ted Cruz campaign. They felt his status as a Senator and his reputation for fighting for religious liberty would call off the plague of federal agents on the town. Senator Cruz’ office and campaign continues to ignore their pleas.

“They meant well, but they’re barkin’ up the wrong tree,” said city elder Frederick Ashlen. “Yesterday the city council called on the Cthulhu campaign to do what they can.”

According to Agent Dulles the FBI isn’t going anywhere and doubts that an upstart third party candidate has the power to stop them from performing their duties.