The Conservative Case for Cthulhu

It is long past time to honor our ancestors and fulfill their vision of widespread liberty.

by | Nov 16, 2015

Conservatives may have the illusion of choice this election season with over a dozen weak candidates vying for the nomination, but frankly, do any of then even adequately embody conservative values and strength? There is but one choice in 2016: Cthulhu for President.

While conservatives may initially recoil at the thought of an ancient deity not of Christian origin ruling the United States, they should find the certainty of deep holistic change in three major areas appealing.

Manifest Destiny

The supremacy of the United States is not in question, but Cthulhu feels that it has never achieved the promise of Manifest Destiny as expressed by John O’Sullivan in 1839:

“And that claim is by the right of our manifest destiny to overspread and to possess the whole of the continent which Providence has given us for the development of the great experiment of liberty and federated self-government entrusted to us.”

The United States conquered some of North America, yet we still share the continent with Canada and Mexico. It is long past time to honor our ancestors and fulfill their vision of widespread liberty.

Cthulhu will conquer the globe.

Our military is superior to all others on the planet, yet they are hobbled and restricted to small, petty policing actions. Armies are for conquest. Raising Old Glory over once-foreign territories will increase our security and cement American power for all time.


Invasion of the Other has always been a problem. Illegal and legal migrations being cultural and demographic shifts. The common solutions of walls, laws and enforcement are increasingly costly and decreasingly effective.

How do you stop water from running through a sieve? Stop using a sieve. Use a big pot — the military. One of the side benefits of global conquest is that foreign nations are no longer foreign. No one can illegally cross our borders when those borders span the globe.

Religious Liberty

While the U.S. Government provides a few benefits for organizations of faith, it still onerously forces religious groups to adhere to the mundane legal system. This must change.

One of the Cthulhu Cults’ most sacred rites includes human sacrifice, yet all states forbid this practice. This bureaucratic regulation of belief is not the religious freedom enshrined in the Constitution. As president, Cthulhu will eliminate these barriers to worship and grant true freedom to the faithful.


Trump may like to run his mouth and Carson may be willing to stab a bitch, but will they stand strong for security and liberty? You can be assured that Lord Cthulhu will.

Photo by Fibonacci Blue

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