Unity of purpose binds cultists at Elder Party Convention

Unlike the earlier Republican and Democratic conventions, Elder Party cultists have a united vision entering their weekend of activism, political assassination and debauchery.

by | Aug 13, 2016


INNSMOUTH, MA – Unlike earlier Republican and Democratic conventions, Elder Party cultists have a united vision entering their weekend of activism, political assassination and debauchery.

Instead of celebrating their presidential nominee in a metropolis, the Elder Party returned to the roots of the modern politicultist movement, Innsmouth – a town that remains absent from any map to this day.

In 1928, the U.S. Government destroyed the town, killed all the inhabitants, and severely damaged the local reef (and, consequently, Innsmouth’s fishing industry). President Herbert Hoover had all references to the town removed from official maps. The town has also been continually denied the right to re-incorporate despite steady restoration and development since 1964. Local activists are are still seeking justice and reparations for the illegal use of military force against U.S. Citizens and continued denial of basic constitutional rights.

The convention is held at the Esoteric Order of Dagon Community Complex which dominates Innsmouth’s northern shoreline. Similar to christian fundamentalist mega-churches, the large EOD campus boasts several meeting rooms, a massive auditorium, dormitories and recreational buildings. While the Order has a historic reputation of performing dark rites the only evil experienced at the complex was a lack of parking.

The Elder Party’s theme of “United For Extinction” seems to have been picked to taunt rival parties who have significantly fractured their base because of their extremism, corruption and general unlikability.

Elder Party officials were ecstatic to report that membership has jumped significantly this year, even though presidential candidate Cthulhu retained his Independent status — with the Elder Party supporting his current electoral efforts.

“We realize that party politics is a loser in this election,” admits party chair Elsbeth Whateley. “Although our membership knows we are nothing at all like the desiccated Republicans and Democrat parties who have been shambling long past their bury-by date.”

Saturday morning’s schedule was full of small sessions dedicated to issues and activism important to the Cultist community. Popular panels included: “Cthulhu or Cultist: Who gets to slay when it begins?”, “Corrupting the Record – How to use rituals and social media to counter the narrative,” and “Countering Incremental Cataclysicism: a slow motion apocalypse is no apocalypse at all.”

The largest session, by far, was dedicated to legalizing human sacrifice. U.S. Representative Seffora Jackson was on hand to talk about using the Religious Liberty movement to ensure that cults also reaped the benefits of a government powerless to regulate religious freedom.

One consistent concern of attendees was how Cthulhu and his, still unrevealed, running mate would tackle Clinton and Trump. While 2016 is certainly a year for third parties to make gains, they are concerned that the public might begin to think that an immortal, psychic entity with a long record of destruction and black magic is less evil than a pair of scam artists with ties to shady industries and deep-seated problems with telling the truth.

“We recognize that we have had to do twice the job of our opponents, who both have chosen to focus on each other than lend credibility to third parties,” admitted Cthulhu Press Secretary Samir al-Azrad. “It is becoming increasingly clear Donald Trump does not want to win and is sinking his own candidacy. This leaves us room to attack our closest ‘evil’ competitor, Hillary Clinton.”

“I think [Elder Party cultists] will be pleased with tonight’s event. We’re certain the vice presidential pick and our general election strategy will be a howler.”