Vague Endorses Cthulhu for President of the United States

The appalling spectacle for this election season, scripted by the gilded hands of your betters, has been a gauche display of vulgarity.

by | Oct 13, 2016

Vague, editors-in-chief | Reprinted with permission

The appalling spectacle for this election season, scripted by the gilded hands of your betters, has been a gauche display of vulgarity. It’s absurd this is the best that could be formulated at the wondrous Taschenbergpalais and on the blessed shores of Martha’s Vineyard.

Vague has no history of political endorsements. We are focused on policing bad fashion choices and body shaming. Yet given the profound mistakes made in this election, and the history that stands to be ended, the editors in chief have decided to make their opinions known with a single voice. To our shame, we had been supporting an unstable nouveau riche with no pedigree who is too far outside the realm of the genially acceptable.

Vague endorses Cthulhu for president of the United States.

Perhaps that sentence won’t come as a surprise. Vague has furtively covered Cthulhu’s political career, from behind-the-scenes assassinations to extorting and controlling Senators to becoming a certifiably ace-class presidential candidate. He has been profiled by the magazine seven times.

We understand that Cthulhu is not one to wear haute couture, yet his brute power and considerable experience are as saucy an aphrodisiac as his policies and positions.

He supports comprehensive immigration reform, but expanding our borders to encompass the globe. He professes he will dine on everyone equally. Centuries of conquering lesser beings have shown he understands what it takes to continue American leadership in the world though dominance and culinary skill. He is forceful in his support for cultist rights, including legalizing human sacrifice. He knows the challenges working shoggoths face. His tax proposals and commitment to non-euclidean infrastructure will be a boon to the middle class. He will institute true health control to ensure that humans are sent to oblivion without a middle-man leeching resources. He will bring us equality through insanity. And most importantly, he will erase our mistakes.

We have conspired to produce an unaware and compliant citizenry through division and conquest. Can Cthulhu unify our deeply divided American creation? Being sent into the gastric canals of a mountain-high demon from the nether will make fast friends of us all.

Two words give us a thrill: God President. We have selfishly guarded leadership roles as humans only. Those beings who surpass us mentally, physically and magickally have been ignored for too long. Let’s put this election behind us and become the America we want to be: barren of vapid politics, empty of human beings and void of future.

Let’s head to the polls on Tuesday, November 8, and vote.