Vermont Town Abstains From Democratic and Republican Primaries

The entire town of Gilbertville mysteriously did not return any Super Tuesday results in either the Democratic or Republican primaries.

by | Mar 7, 2016


GILBERTVILLE, VERMONT — While the mysterious power of anti-establishment candidates this election season may never be solved, one more mystery has popped up in Vermont. The entire town of Gilbertville, population 2,435, did not return any Super Tuesday results in either the Democratic or Republican primaries.

Located in the hills near the Canadian border, Gilbertville has always been a strong supporter of democracy with 63 percent voter turnout, on average, for the last decade.

Bessie Farland lives on the edge of town. A shut-in, she spoke through a wireless speaker on her porch.

“There ain’t nothin’ to it really. We just felt it was futile and didn’t bother with the expense,” said Farland.

The streets of Gilbertville were empty of traffic, but the town hall was open. Mayor Robert Galloway was still on duty despite a heavy flu outbreak; A commitment that not even the harsh symptoms of light sensitivity and heavy coughing could not overturn.

He spoke with difficulty, in his dark office, on why the town removed itself from the political process.

“Gilbertville is a township that, like Vermont, prides itself on independence. In thought, word and deed, we came together. We decided to abandon the crass rituals of corruption and instead focus on our community,” he explained in buzzy wheezes.

Mayor Galloway believes that by removing the distractions of political races that are indistinguishable from entertainment, citizens could focus more on the needs of their local fellow travelers.

“We will build of this town a model for others, throughout America, to emulate.”

Asked about the numerous wi-fi cylinders on porches throughout the town, Galloway explained that, “Many citizens obtained a fortunate deal from a security company.”

No political signs were seen exiting Gilbertville, save for a lone, ragged “Cthulhu for America” flyer stapled to a telephone poll.

[Inquiries to the Vermont State Republican and Democratic Parties were not returned by press time.]