ASSOCIATED PRESS – SEPTEMBER 9, 2015
LOS ANGELES, CA – Elder Party presidential hopeful Dread Lord Cthulhu on Wednesday vowed to increase American commitment to the Middle East if he is elected next year, endorsing positions that would put the U.S. on a war footing that will strain relations with its allies.
Cthulhu said in an interview with the Associated Press on Wednesday that he considers the attempted destruction of sites sacred to the Elder Gods by Daesh (ISIS/ISIL) to be the work of religious fanatics. He added that he would devote America’s substantial military forces to expanding the United State’s borders to encompass the globe.
Cthulhu is among twenty-four candidates seeking residence in the White House in 2016. A deity in his own right, he draws support from a wide variety of malcontents, nihilists and cult groups worldwide.
Cthulhu arrived in California on Tuesday and held a campaign rally in Los Angeles where members of Metallica were rumored to be in attendance.
In the interview, Cthulhu said Daesh, in their troglodytic zeal to destroy historic sites, will find their end should they disturb the true sacred sites in the region – those belonging to Cthulhu and the Elder Gods.
“The attempts by these well-funded agents to create disruption are an infantile attempt to restore a past that never happened. They are puppets for dollars and a complete waste of zeal,” he said.
Cthulhu also said he would withdraw from the recent U.S.-led international nuclear agreement with Iran, saying: “Peace makes your species weak. If you ever wish to be more than you are and be worthy to serve us, flex those angry monkey muscles.”
Cthulhu also defended controversial comments about religious freedom made by his campaign’s Twitter account (@cthulhu4america), where he promoted the legalization of human sacrifice.
He dismissed criticism from the Catholic League and other religious organizations and citizen’s groups. “Their actions show they are not interested in true religious freedom, only their own,” said Cthulhu.
Decisions like Burwell v. Hobby Lobby and the spread of Conscience Clause legislation have enabled his religious followers to step out of the shadows.
“My cults are asserting their rights. There are no gods on your world but me. It is long past time for humans to return to their original devotion,” he said.
Current opinion polls show Cthulhu behind front-runners Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Cthulhu did not seem concerned.
“Doom comes for the human race. The acceptance of this certainty is growing. Trump is a carnival barker. Hillary will choke on her hubris,” said Cthulhu.
Rumors of Biden entering the race were outright dismissed. Cthulhu denounced most of the candidates running, including Jeb Bush, as beneath his notice.
Cthulhu refused to discuss Sanders’ candidacy and bristled at repeated questions about the candidate. “There is only one candidate in this race to be focused on — me.”
